This week, while preparing for the series of lectures I am doing around Asia next month, I came across some photos too taken during, before, after my medical procedures. There were a lot between 2016-2018, because I was bi-local and my mother was still alive, so I had to find ways to always let her know how I’m doing. Before 2016 (that whole 10 years from the time Pops died), Ma was still mobile and had actually attended to me directly on some occasions (when I don’t feel too defensive about being sick), so no need to document when she was there.
I think there was one or two photos from my sister-in-law in 2012 who thought it was funny because after surgery, I looked like nothing happened, and that immediately after my release from the hospital (8hrs after surgery), she’s the one who fetched me, and I asked her to bring me to Café Briton in Scout. She was so cool to oblige. Can’t find those photos though. But there we were devouring our fave crepes with half-dose of anaesthesia still lingering in my blood stream.
I thought against sharing this in my blog, because past “sharing” caused me extreme hurt (people think they are being kind by “putting me in my place” or telling me "what I am supposed to do, or not do", when in some cases they were just being self-righteous and brutal!). I am sharing anyway, because flipping back to one of the friends I saw few weeks back, when I shared some photos with her, she said: “Good reminder that life is precious…!”
And I agree with her, so here goes…
After 1 week on hospital rounds for battery of tests…while waiting for biopsy result, my siblings and I were hanging out in Ma’s room. We already somehow knew. This might be the first time in a long time we are gathered like “mga sisiw” (like chicks), as Ma would say it.
This was the exact day I found out I have cancer. It was also my 40th birthday. By this time, I have already had 3 earlier surgeries in the past (2006, 2009, 2012), which turned out to be benign. But as life would have it… “Life” really begun at 40!
24hrs after surgery with my doctors, one imported from Hong Kong! Doc Auggie (lavender shirt) took out the ductal carcinoma and 14 lymph nodes via lumpectomy. Slay!
My first radiotherapy session with my sister stress-eating! This is when I started calling my treatment Mutation Series—I go in the therapy chamber and get nuked. I had to do this for over a month.
My last radiotherapy session. By the time it was ending, I felt like I had so much radiation in my body, I could glow in the dark!
Naging bff ko na yung tech. He’d later move to PET-CT, nagkita ulit kami once a year for my annual check-up, until he left NKTI. Good kid. Pakialamero nga lang sa lovelife haha!
First chemo day with my oncologist. Doc Amps was referred to me because I “required a doctor who will explain everything”. And since I’m high-risk patient (because both my parent’s family have cancer history) he remains my onco until today.
Post chemo. Meds feel ugly...uglier than my face!
After few chemo sessions, we went home to Bataan.
This must have been my 6th chemo session and first session with Ma. By this time, we already know she's in 4th stage. We lost Ma exactly 7months after this...
Fast forward to more recent events...
Another surgery, we got 5 tumors here. All benign but a bit troublesome because they affected my body chemistry, I almost bled to death, and I had cardio crisis (which sounds scary, and it was, but I am glad I only learned about it after they’d fix me). Now, I get my BP and sugar going up and down and can’t stop getting fat. Oh well!
The nice part about this surgery though was that the anaesthesiologist was a med school classmate of my cousins… so, I got extra care, extra explanation, and extra discount.
It was also so high-tech, which I am a sucker for. I even have the laparoscopic video of the whole surgery sent to me by the doctors.
Sharing one of them here. It's 1.11mins. Try watching until the end. You hear surgical team members saying “ANG LAKI” (too big) after they saw one of the mass in full view. Mind you, I had 5 of these!
(Click the photo for video.)
(Trigger warning: gory image.)
This was the latest, earlier this year. Before surgery (with Unc and Auntie) and after surgery (with Ate and Auntie). It was fully documented (they even have photos of me while in surgery) because my Auntie Jane was there. I didn’t ask her to be there, but since she works there (head OR nurse), as soon as I am in the elevator of OR her staff alerted her that there’s an Yraola for surgery.
Anyway, now I understand why people bring relatives—it lessens the worry. At least I knew somebody who knows about medical science and who cares about my siblings’ feelings will be the one delivering the medical bulletin. Lucky me, this was a month before she had early retirement. (Ps. Yes, she looks young. She’s a vampire!)
Anyways again, this was “uneventful”. Doctors in NKTI are expectedly good.
It was the infection and pain management prior that were “entertaining” … it’s FUNNIER told than read… so, next time I see you then 😉
This is my fave photo so far. A month after release from the hospital. I didn’t shave my head as fashion statement. I had to. It was MY SURRENDER.
Although, it obviously wasn’t my first rodeo, and I had more severe battles in the past, the depression that came after the most recent medical crisis proved to be more taxing than before. Realising my body is a whole lot weaker than it used to, that this time my brain is also having trouble processing (I'm a less sharper now, and a whole lot garbled.), that my emotions are haywire (more now than when taking double dose of hormone meds), and that I have no other choice but to embrace the new weak me, FELT LIKE DEFEAT.
It took me some time (and I am still working on it) to remember the lessons from Buddha that in this life pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. I will suffer no more the pain of defeat. I will surrender to it.
Anywho, I am applying for a yearlong Sabbatical—to do art and rest… as I say, one I truly love and the other I have to do. I’d go through some health management procedure. Hopefully, the procedure will restart my system. Hopefully, next time, I will be blogging about better things.